The first call...

I don't know why it took so much courage to make that first phone call. Possibly because in a way I was admitting to myself that something I have always dreamed of and prayed so intensely for over the last few years may never happen. Or maybe because I'm afraid of starting on this potentially emotionally draining journey. Either way, I did it. I finally made the first phone call to LDS Family Services to inquire about starting the adoption process.
Not to say that emotional rollercoasters are a new thing in my life. As we have struggled with infertility over the last three and a half years I have ridden what I feel like is more than my fair share of rollercoasters. Over thinking every little change in your body and how you feel, thinking 'hey this might be the time' only to be bitterly disappointed. Going to doctors to try to find out what is wrong only to realize that you can't afford the treatments necessary to give you what seems to come so easily to most people. Being a social worker at a high school for pregnant and parenting teens and helping young girls in tears over an unexpected/unwanted pregnancy, wondering why these young, unprepared girls were entrusted with these gifts and not me. I've experienced a lot of anger often wondering, "Why is Heavenly Father withholding this blessing from me? I have done everything I've supposed to do: went to seminary, received a great college education, served a mission, lived worthy to enter the temple and be sealed for all eternity, and strive daily to keep the commandments. What have I done wrong to deserve this?" I've experienced sadness, jealousy, loneliness, and occasionally I've experienced hope.
I'm not sharing this for others to pity me or to feel bad for me. I know that everyone has trials, and that this life is for testing. While I still don't understand why this is my particular trial or exactly what the Lord wants me to learn from it, I'm tired of sitting back and feeling bad for myself. I do feel that someday we will be blessed with a family, whether biological or adopted. I am so grateful for my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and for the comfort of the scriptures and guidance of modern day prophets and apostles. One of my very favorite quotes came from General Conference a few years back by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin. His talk was titled "Come What May and Love It." I have tried to model my life after that quote, which is displayed in our living room. In his talk he said:
"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
I have faith that He knows my sorrows, afflictions, and the desires of my heart. And I look forward with anticipation to those tears of rejoicing and gratitude.
For today I am just proud of myself, firstly, for opening up about my experience with infertility (up until now I've been unable to put into words what I've been experiencing), and secondly, for making that first call to LDS Family Services. Will we decide to go the adoption route? I don't know, BUT knowing that there are other options out there and that I am strong enough to pursue them makes me feel a little better today.
One last quote just because it is so good:
"I testify that the Savior's Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair. If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended."
-Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
Broken Things to Mend
Hug your children, be grateful for your many blessing, and any prayers on our behalf would be greatly appreciated! Thank you friends. We love you and are so grateful for your continued support and love.